A Letter to My Year-Ago Self
I wrote this letter at the end of 2018, as I reflected on how far we'd come in a year. I'm sharing it again, as we are knee-deep in the adoption journey once more and battling the very same fears of the unknowns and knowns.
It is the end of 2017 and you are staring at a new year full of unknowns. You are elbows-deep into dossier paperwork and up to your eyeballs in emails. You don’t know which paper to start working on, which appointment to start making, and which email to start responding to. And you are afraid. Afraid of the unknowns, like your son’s possible medical needs, and the knowns, like the dollar amounts next to each step in the adoption process. But, oh self, I wish I could fast forward time to let you see a glimpse of December 2018! I wish I could tell you that you will literally laugh at your fears in twelve months from now and that your only regret is that you wasted so much precious time and energy fearing the ominous “Goliath” you’ve concocted in your mind. And I wish you could know you that this “Goliath” will turn into the most adorable little boy you’ve ever seen. As you kiss his cheeks every day and hear his sweet little voice say “mama,” you’ll just smile and ask yourself, “Why in the world was I afraid of this?” But right now, right now you are consumed with an almost paralyzing fear. Fear that this unknown“Goliath” will somehow destroy your finances, your family, and yourself. But, just hang on, you don’t want to miss this.
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Let’s start with finances, because this one will really make you laugh this time next year. Any logical people can look at your bank account, your family’s income, and the cost of adoption and scratch their head. The math definitely doesn’t add up and it’s really easy to be frustrated that you don’t have $30,000 in your back pocket. But, what is one of your greatest fears right now will turn into one of your greatest blessings and answers to prayer in this adoption journey. You see, if you could do it all alone, you would be missing out on meeting so many amazing people and seeing so many generous family and friends support you on this journey. You would miss out of strengthen friendships with those who will sweat blood and tears to set up for a garage sale at 4am or clean gutters of a widow’s house in the Floridian summer heat. You will miss out on meeting people in your church and community who hear about your journey and want to know more about adoption from China. And you will miss out on connecting with benevolent strangers at grant agencies who will partner with you in bringing your boy home. Yes, it’s not comfortable to ask for money and it’ll be exhausting at times, however “my God will supply all of your needs according to His riches and glory.” (Philippians 4:19) So hang on, this year will be overwhelmingly humbling and you don’t want to miss it!
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Next, let’s move on to your fears about how this little boy and the road to bring him home will change your family. Right now, you’re worried that his medical, emotional, and/or social needs will take away time from your daughter. You wonder if she will bond with her brother or resent having him abruptly brought into her life. You weigh the pros and cons of bringing her to China and know it’s really a gamble, whether it’ll be the best or worse decision of your lives. You’re concerned about how the stress of the adoption will affect your family life and if you will ever be a “normal” family again. Well, I wish you could see your house right now...it is mass chaos with toys spread everywhere, because your daughter and son are have a blast playing together. Yes, they will fight like cats and dogs every day, however they are best buddies and run to give each other hugs each morning when they wake up. And taking her to China with you...oh YES! Best decision ever! She will bring him out of his shell on Day 1, show him how to take a bath, brush his teeth, put on a hat, eat a pouch. She will tell you what he wants, what he likes, and why he’s upset. And because her guess is probably better than yours, you’ll listen to her. Most importantly, her little heart will understand why you are bringing her brother into your family and every night she will remind you to pray for “lots of mommies and daddies to go get the boys and girls in Titus’s orphanage, because they need families too.” There will be more laughter, hugs, and fun in your home a year from now, I promise. Yes, there will be more tears and meltdowns too, but with having two toddlers in the house, isn’t that “normal”?! Believe me, life will be more chaotic and exhausting, but you don’t want to miss this!
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And you. You’re worried about you. How will you ever check all these things off this mile-long to-do list? What if you mess up and China says,”Sorry, you screwed up! You’re done!” Well, I hate to break it to you, but you will mess up and feel overwhelmed and never get all those lovely things crossed off your forever to-do list. You will feel like you have three full-time jobs and not do any of them well. You’ll have to take a hard look at your priorities and “miss out” on some things this year. But, these “labor pains” will be immediately forgotten the moment you see your son and, probably thanks to less than ideal amounts of sleep this year, you honestly don’t even remember much of paperwork process anyways!
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So, yes, this child will wreak you, but not in the ways you think he will. Through your journey to bring him home, you will be introduced to the most precious faces, both on the screen and at his orphanage, and your heart will break every single day that they will never have a mommy to kiss their cheeks or a daddy to tickle them. Some will have their lives cut way too short just because there is no brave family to step into their medical knowns and unknowns. This relentless trail of precious souls will break your heart forever as all those faces and all those cribs will be permanently etched in your mind. And, as you snuggle with your beloved son each day, you can’t help but look into his eyes and ponder his birth mother. How is it that one of your greatest joy and blessing comes at the cost of possibly one unknown woman’s greatest pain and sorrow? Why are you the one on the receiving end of this undeserved blessing while this woman’s arms on the other side of the world are empty? All the brokenness and wonder of adoption will forever be tangled in your heart and you can’t go back to your white-picket-fence life. God will use this year to wreak your prayer life, priorities, and even your theology, using these to drawl you closer to your all-knowing, all-loving, and all-sovereign Father. It will be ever so painfully stretching, but believe me, you don’t want to miss it.
All those cribs. All those precious souls.
Last, but definitely not least, let me tell you about your son. I know you’re worried how you will know he’s “the one.” You are worried that his special needs might be too much for you to handle. You’re afraid he might not attach to you or fit into your family. But, if I told you now how God is oh so intricately weaving your son’s story and the details will shock you. Like how he was cared for in an orphanage influenced by ICC, an organization that you’ve known and supported for years. Or how you would meet some of these wonderful social workers and have more of a glimpse into his life than most adoptive parents get. And, that God would use this orphanage and all the wonderful nannies’s loving care to help your son transition and attach more smoothly than you can ever imagine. He is a “Mann” through and through, right down to his name and love of the family dog. Most importantly, I wish I could tell you to not fear his “special needs,” because really his only need is the support of a family. You will be thankful every day that you didn’t miss this boy’s smile, joy, and love!
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Sincerely,
You, just a little older and wiser
