Sometimes, I think advocating for adoption feels like trying to get your friends to climb Mt. Everest with you. You've summited the peak once before and you know it's worth it. But try telling that to your friends who can't see past the miles and miles of white-ness, freezing temperatures, and physical and mental exhaustion. You tell them, "Trust me, it's worth it. You don't want to miss this." But all you see is fear, fear, fear in there eyes. And understandable so, as you remember being paralyzingly scared yourself not too long ago. But each step was worth it. Each step, though painful and draining, brought you one step closer to something bigger and more beautiful than you could ever imagine.
So, how do you "get past" the big, bad Boogie Man, Mr. Fear. When I picture "fear," I somehow think of "Marshmallow" in the movie Frozen. (Let's blame that on the fact that I have a Frozen obsessed daughter who loves to sing "Let it goooooo!" as loudly and persistently as possible!) He's massive, volatile, and wants to keep you away from the very place you want to be. And, no matter what you throw at him, it seems like you can't demolish or shake him sometimes!
I wrote this letter at the end of 2018, as I reflected on how far we'd come in a year. I'm sharing it again, as we are knee-deep in the adoption journey once more and battling the very same fears of the unknowns and knowns.Dear Year-Ago Self,It is the end of 2017 and you are staring at a new year full of unknowns. You are elbows-deep into dossier paperwork and up to your eyeballs in emails. You don’t know which paper to start working on, which appointment to start making, and which email to start responding to. And you are afraid. Afraid of the unknowns, like your son’s possible medical needs, and the knowns, like the dollar amounts next to each step in the adoption process. But, oh self, I wish I could fast forward time to let you see a glimpse of December 2018! I wish I could tell you that you will literally laugh at your fears in twelve months from now and that your only regret is that you wasted so much precious time and energy fearing the ominous “Goliath” you’ve concocted in your mind. And I wish you could know you that this “Goliath” will turn into the most adorable little boy you’ve ever seen. As you kiss his cheeks every day and hear his sweet little voice say “mama,” you’ll just smile and ask yourself, “Why in the world was I afraid of this?” But right now, right now you are consumed with an almost paralyzing fear. Fear that this unknown“Goliath” will somehow destroy your finances, your family, and yourself. But, just hang on, you don’t want to miss this.
"Pregnancy brain" is hitting hard these days. In the last month or so, I've forgotten...
...to write a church event on the calendar (and scheduled to work instead!)
...a doctor's appointment (and then realized I wrote it on the wrong day anyways!)
...a meeting for work (that I was supposed to speak at!)
...what I really needed at the grocery store (but leave with a cart full of everything else!).
...to write a check for notarizing important documents (Praise God, I remembered right before the envelope was sealed and sent!)
And these are just a few of the things I realize I have forgotten lately! Who knows what other balls have been dropped the past few months as we journey on this adoption road again, with all the papers and deadlines and appointments and important information we need to juggle! I distinctly remember about a week before we flew to China to bring our son home opening our refrigerator one bleary-eyed morning and being perplexed why an ice cream container was sitting in there (insert face palm and then sad face!). Yep, adoptive moms crave ice cream and accidentally put it in the fridge too!
But there's one thing I honestly forget every day and I'm OK with it.
What's the scariest word in the English language?
Sky-diving. Bungee-jumping. Crocodile-wrestling (or "wrastling" for our Texan friends).
Yes, these might be some scary feats, but we believe that the scariest word in the English language is also one of the shortest and simplest: yes.
Y.E.S. Yes. Really?